Grateful, even for the angst

March 2, 2010

 When I was in high school and college, I religiously kept a Grateful Journal. Everyday, I would jot down five things that I was grateful for. It’s an awesome way to promote positive self-reflection and is fun to look back on later–just seeing the date and item brings back memories of a thing or person or feeling that  made me so happy. Like..
12/9 Toothpicks. 
One word. But man, now I remember how much I used to love toothpicks. What a great way to tell the world that you are too cool for proper manners, but you DO care about oral hygeine. Oh, and mint toothpinks! I LOVE MINT TOOTHPICKS.
I stopped doing this sometime after I got married and had kids and was lucky if I even remembered to brush my teeth, let alone write about the joy that is brushing ones teeth.
Joy. Huh. I’m two weeks away from debut and I have to tell you, I’m a huge ball of angst. I even took one of those yahoo quizzes that asked something like, Are You Anxious? or maybe it was Are You In The Fetal Position AGAIN? Suffice it to say, the little quizzy recommended I go take a nap and eat some chocolate. Wait, that was my self-subscribed remedy. 
And although I’m stressed about putting our house on the market next week and this job hubby might get and these revisions that I am busting my butt to nail and all the pre-book stuff (contests! Must post contests), I think most of it is idea that The Moment is almost here. My book will be out very very soon, and for some reason, that makes me more nervous than joyous. I don’t think I can fully articulate why. Years ago, I had a friend on the eve of her release write me this angsty email and I didn’t understand. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO BE PUBLISHED, I thought. I didn’t get what came with that. Now, more and more, I do.
But I want you to know, despite the gang of butterflies that have taken permanent residence in my stomach, I’m grateful. So so grateful. There are so many writers who are far more talented than I who have yet to get their break. I know how frustrating that is, that waiting, because I was there and I’m very glad I don’t have to go back to the Land of Will It Ever Happen. It is happening. Right. Now.
So here are five words today that remind me of some happy happy things that have come with selling this book. They might not mean much to you, but I can look back years from now and remember exactly what these mean to me.
1. Dedication page
2. The tenners
3. Mutant Insects
4. The word AUTHOR
5. Doing it. Really doing it.